I went to see a lawyer today. Learned all the sterile details of separation and divorce. A lot to take in and process and ponder. There is no love in law.
Today I woke up feeling like I was once again kicked in the stomach. I can’t get past the fact that he said he wouldn’t have broke it off with her and he had feelings for her.
So I asked, ‘What if she hadn’t found someone else?’ The only conclusion is that it would still be going on, he would still be intimate with her and he would still be wading in the glow of his feelings for his lover.
He says the feelings are gone, but how can that be? The only conclusion – spurned by the fact that she found someone else.
He said he loves me, wants to make it work and feels sorrow and shame. He said he hurts for the pain he caused and for betraying his daughter and I. He talks a lot about our daughter and how he can’t be without her. How much hardship we had to go through to have her and how precious she is. He is right. She is a miracle. And I appreciate that he cherishes her and couldn’t live without her.
What still remains a mystery is why I am involved at all in his desire to stay married. He said he loves me. He said I am a good mother. That is all.
With his lover he had feelings and intimacy and desire.
I factor in only as a mother. As an idea that one finds safety in having a family to go home to.