Despair

Day 1 at the Alter

I awoke this morning and everything seemed so black and white. Reconciliation is pointless.

I began to take some pictures off the wall. Not that I want to take them. My manic fear of attachment to material objects has made a comeback.

At 11am I went to a new church, dropped my daughter off at the church nursery and walked inside the chapel hoping to be invisible and find a pew somewhere near the back. But that was not to be. The Pastor’s wife, so gentle and unassuming, invited me to sit with her. I was clenching my jaw and stiff as a board, but I was collected and I engaged in familiar small talk. The guitar player and drummer started up and I recalled some of the hymns. And then the guitar slowed and everyone softly sang, ‘Come as you are,’ and I broke.

The Pastor’s wife put her arms around me. I looked into her eyes hoping my eyes would speak and tell her that I couldn’t talk. And she looked back in my eyes and said, ‘I feel like I’ve known you forever,’ and then, ‘I’ll give you my number if you would come for a walk with me this week.’

I came home and printed nearly 200 pages of infidelity articles and worksheets. And that was all I could do today.

 

 

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