Before I go in to the weird thing. . .
The other woman responded to my letter. She said, ‘I am so sorry for everything. I understand. I will never ever do that again.’
It just felt blank. Like . . . no skin off her back.
And oddly my thought was, ‘Well, I’m sure glad she wasn’t my friend. Her words may be creative but her seat of emotion and character is hollow.’
Anyway, on to the weird thing. . .
I sat with God on the couch. I let all my thoughts quiet down and I told God all about my anger, my fears, my sadness. And for a moment, I felt human.
And the anger started to ease.
Then I watched four Tony Robbins videos. He talked about how we need to find the meaning at the bottom of the barrel. How we have to take our worst moment, think about the meaning, and understand why it is the best moment. Because God will take us, changed and broken, and he will use us. He will use us. He will use us. And there will be joy in living a new life with deeper understanding, deeper emotion and meaning.
And my anger continued to ease.
I can’t live in anger. I am dying in this place of anger. And so I will pray over and over again and I will watch that video over and over again because I want to feel human.