In my search for answers, I continue to come to the alter, to seek God and what he would have me do with the future. The trouble is, I’m not getting any answers. One could argue this is because there are too many voices in my head saying things like, ‘Your husband is in love with someone else and you are worthless.’
A letter arrived from rehab yesterday. In it, my husband wrote his heart out. He talked about shame, sorrow, how he loved us, how he feared losing us, how he caused us pain, how he was committed to us, how he is working on loving himself for the first time, and how he is learning to respond with good choices instead of harmful ones.
What I don’t know is how I feel about the letter.
What I do know is this:
This afternoon I was driving in the car and the song, Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, came on the radio. Before I could think about it, I looked over at the empty seat beside me and said, ‘God, are you trying to be funny? Because I’m not ready for comedy relief.’
And then it happened.
In the quiet of the moment, in waiting for his response, the words inside my head changed. He asked, ‘What are you going to hold on to?’
I was startled by it, I felt like someone had taken my breath away and tears popped into my eyes. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ I asked.
And so it sits on my thoughts, like a shadow following me around. This question posed of me after the great tragedy of my life. What are you going to hold on to?