One of the steps of grieving is bargaining and it happened today. Culminating into an explosion of depths that I could not foresee until the words spewed from my mouth.
My husband and I have been communicating in a somewhat healthy manner (until today). I expressed the possibility of counseling with no guarantee of staying together. He expressed his need for me to dispose of any alcohol in the house before he came home with no acknowledgement of my allowance of counseling.
It sparked a fire in me that I couldn’t quite put into words. But I noted it and when he called again later, I expressed the disappointment I was feeling. He calmly tried to explain his objective of getting healthy, how his priority is himself, so that he is strong enough to heal his relationships later.
Without thinking, I yelled, ‘I am alive and I am a person.’ And then I hung up. When I got off the phone my blood was boiling and all I kept hearing was, ‘I am a person, I am a person.’
It felt like I was a kid on the playground yelling, ‘Look at me! Look at me! Pay attention to me.’
There was no attention, no affirmation, no – I love you, no – give me a chance, no – I will make it better. Just emptiness and desperation.
I pulled up a quote that my friend sent me yesterday that says, ‘God knows the plans he has for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.’ I prayed, begged that God would take this desperation, this – I can’t sit, I can’t stand, I can’t breath – anxiety away from me. Please God. Please God.
It is two hours later and I sit at the window and stare. It is raining in this desert climate and the drops are pounding on the window but everything is silent.