Hopelessness

Out of all the components of grief you experience with betrayal, I never knew hopelessness and physical pain were some of them and I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught.

It happened later that night after the ‘explosion.’ After the rain had ended and after the normalcy of making dinner and cleaning up.

In the morning my husband left a message on my phone expressing more regret, love and desperate praying for my heart to heal. But it was too late. I had spent the night in the fetal position praying that God would just take me. I’m not strong enough for this. How did all those other women make it through?

My toddler came to me and laid her favourite blanket on me and held me until she fell asleep and there was nothing I could do to protect her from that. That’s what hopelessness is all about. No matter how much you think that your kids should be enough to help you survive, they just aren’t. As brutal as that sounds.

Hopelessness knows no hope.

I don’t know what is helping me breathe again or what’s allowing me to sleep. But I imagine that the prayers of my family and friends and Sister Margie are taking hold. I suppose when you aren’t strong enough to hold on to God, he holds on to you instead.

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6 thoughts on “Hopelessness

  1. This may sound kind of strange but be grateful for the regret, many don’t even get that, I didn’t. Please don’t misunderstand that doesn’t make his betrayal any less painful. I read this book in the begining, it may help you– Living, loving, after betrayal by Steve Stosny. Unfortunately my husband was never open to reconciling, the affair started about 12 months before I discovered it and he was already clear in his mind I wasn’t good for him, he has never apologized for breaking my heart.

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  2. I will look up that book. I understand what you mean about being thankful for the regret. I really do. I am being giving a choice as to how my marriage ends or proceeds. You weren’t given that choice. And I am so sorry for that grief you’ve had to experience. I read that betrayal without regret is like experiencing a death. Your life is forever changed and you weren’t given any power to stop that outcome. You are a survivor. Thank you for writing.

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  3. I’m sorry. I’ve had many of those nights. To broken to stand. Endless sobbing. Praying to God just for strength. Just to keep moving forward. To not go back. i always went back. This time I can’t. In those moments I always remembered a line from the book feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers “you can handle anything”. And if you look back at everything that broke you down but you got back up… You made it. And now you’re here and you will make it through this. There’s a book called return to love by marianne Williamson that was recently referred to me. It’s about loving yourself again and focusing on you. That’s important right now. I keep sinking and making everything about him. I give him my power. Why did he do this? Did he ever love me? How could he hurt me like this? We need to take back the power. To say that he didn’t respect me and I will not put up with being treated badly. That his apology doesn’t erase all the hurt he caused. That’s he’s only sad now because I’m leaving but all he’s done is use and abuse me. And I’m done. He if wants me back he needs to work really hard. There will be no easy come backs. I’m not here for his convenience

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    1. Thank you for sharing this with me. I will look up those books and really try to hear your words about making it through. The encouragement you offer is a a blessing for me today. I like what you said about no easy comebacks and learning to love myself and focus on myself for healing as I cannot base my healing on his words and actions. Thank you for writing.

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