Will anyone who has a happy marriage after infidelity take the stand?

In the trial of infidelity, what is the final sentence? So much of what I read on infidelity, when couples choose to stay together, is disheartening. Even though there is a school of thought that marriage can survive infidelity and become better, and the chances of re-offending reduces (if the cheater went through counseling and tried to understand the pain of betrayal and regret), there are terrible moments that continue to surface.

Whether it be one year, two years, or five years, everyone seems to have that moment when they are doing the laundry or washing the dishes and they get a flashback and their heart breaks all over again. Just for a moment, but it is there.

Then there are the couples that didn’t stay together, who are also caught up in these broken moments where trust seems like an idea that someone made up but isn’t real. Is there another happily ever after, even though you had already married the one that you wanted to be with forever? Bam. Pain. Again.

So, rise up, I say. Anyone who is secure and happy and not chagrined after leaving or staying. Anyone?

It seems that in many instances, the cheater has ‘moved on.’ Life as usual. And the betrayed is still in a state of vulnerability. But the cheater seems to offer no comfort because he has done it, over and over and over again . . .

What is acceptable?

In a betrayed relationship, is it ever right to expect the betrayed person to ‘move on.’ And what does that mean? Forgive, forget, great it’s over, back to living, just now we make more time for dates.

No.

There has to be something better than that. Where are all the couples that have found the key to an everlasting life of pain that was, hope, and a future of beautiful intimacy with your partner like it was always intended to be?

How do get from here to there? What does the cheater have to do? And should you lay the ground rules? Like, if you see that I’m crying while I do the dishes, you better address that right away because if you don’t my next thought is walking out the door.

I want to accept, to move into that direction and to forgive, to move there too . . . someday. The fact that my husband is not here, barely calls, has told me that HIS healing is priority one, along with his higher power and our daughter and that I come later, after rehab, seems yet another betrayal. But I guess the fact that he has never been betrayed or spent any time trying to understand it, just reiterates that my healing won’t come from him, can’t and probably shouldn’t. Won’t I just continue to be broken and vulnerable if that is where I look for comfort and healing? Everyone keeps saying that I need to look within. And I hear this, I repeat it to myself, I just have not yet figured out how to understand it.

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22 thoughts on “Will anyone who has a happy marriage after infidelity take the stand?

  1. I am here. I am standing. 2 years, 3 months, 13 days.
    Yes…I still have the “gasp – oh my – he cheated on me” flashes of moments. But they pass far more quickly. If I am at the kitchen sink crying, my H now drops what he is doing and just says “I am so sorry. So, so sorry.” A couple weeks ago, I began to reflect on a few unanswered questions about timing of an affair. He listened, pulled up on an online calendar of that year/dates and tried to help me get my questions answered. He hands me his phone with no hesitation when I (very) occasionally ask now, and never changes a password on any of his emails, social media, etc without letting me know and change them in my password list so if I feel the need…which I rarely do, now.
    Our marriage is connected, intimate, passionate now. It is real, and deep, and amazing. We call it a new marriage, and it is through and through. How we speak to each other and make decisions and face conflict are all different than they were before. My blog has some of the details of our process and our progress, so feel free to read. savingshards.com
    But there is the ever-present reality of what he did in and during our old marriage. It never goes away, it just becomes part of the history of our lives. I am sad that it is there, yet it was through facing the pain individually and together that we have built the marriage I always dreamed of.
    My husband still attends one meeting weekly in the early morning, and we lead a support group one evening weekly in which the men meet together while the women are meeting together, and then we spend the last hour together as couples. Every couple in the room has a husband who has cheated, and every wife in the room has been betrayed. This group – twenty-five couples strong – has now broken into two locations on two nights…because it is powerful and safe and helpful in our healing and our recovery.
    It has been the most bloody, difficult and scary path I’ve ever taken. But it has lead to something really incredible.
    Does this help?
    HUGS.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. She is amazing and an inspiration to all of us. I hope for you that your husband does what he needs to help you through this and heal. Look up Steve Stosney Living and Loving after Betrayal, it was one of the first books I read after the discovery. HUGS, m

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  2. Your H has stated that he is first and foremost working at healing himself. You have the same right. There is no time limit involved. Take all of the time that you need to heal and decide what you want to do. This was his sin, not yours. His affair had NOTHING to do with you, NOTHING. Love yourself and your daughter…BREATH…..Love yourself and your daughter…BREATH…..The answers will come…………..That being said, I’m soooooo glad that his home wrecking skank promises to never ever do that naughty sleeping with a married man thingy again, OMG. Looks like your H picked a Hall of Famer.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. AnnaSnow is absolutely right. Not only do you have the right to focus on your healing, you must. No one can do it for you. There can be partners along the way, but ultimately it is your opportunity. So yes…take the time – and there is no time limit as AS says! You did nothing wrong, and no amount of your being different can heal him. But it can heal you. Haha…Hall of Famer! Classic!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I get that too… Being told to look within, to serve myself, to focus on me… But I feel so shattered internally that I just wanna be comforted externally. I’ve heard lots of stories of men and women who’ve cheated and moved on without remorse and are married and happy and sorting their lives and they look back and say that they just didn’t love the person that they cheated on as much as they love the new person. They never see that they were broken and destructive and betrayed/used/abused someone. And I don’t know If the partners with them are happy. If they still experience the same shit but handle it differently. I head about ppl who were betrayed and move on but trauma is deeper than love and they all have those flashbacks. The memory of intense pain that they try to numb. Unfortunately I don’t know. I’m still hooked to my ex. Trying to fight him off and move on while hoping he’ll change and suddenly love and treat me properly…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s the last line of what you wrote, ‘hoping he’ll change and suddenly love and treat me properly’. That is the essence of the pain, as I understand it, right now. The act that causes the betrayal is one thing, but the need to have them understand how deeply they have wounded us is another. It is devastating to realize that this may never happen. So, somehow we have to look elsewhere for healing and ease. I pray for your healing and that your heart will ease.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This is very strange, I did post the first comment about blackcadillacs, but the following replies has my gravatar although I haven’t written the 2nd and 3rd comment. Instead it should have LPA’s gravatar, is it only in my app or how could that happen?

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  5. Yes it is possible…

    I think (for whatever it’s worth) that an expectation of a perfectly happy marriage without conflict or regret or unhappiness is unattainable, and nor should we have that expectation.

    Conflict isn’t inherently bad…in this case (infidelity) it’s absolutely wretched, but conflict actually keeps us on our toes., makes life interesting, helps us to re-examine our priorities and gives us a reason to search for hope. If we lived in a state of euphoria consistently we would have no reason to strive for anything…so in that regard having an imperfect relationship is actually perfect.

    I am a tad self-reflective. I got to take a year off from thinking about the affair because I got breast cancer. Seems a little counter intuitive. but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It forced me to take stock in the life around me; my family, my friends, my husband, my place in this world. It also put things into perspective. I was so grateful to have him in my life, if I had chosen to leave him I wouldn’t have had his support to go through the most difficult year of my life.

    Do I still have moments…hell yes…but they pale in comparison to the moments of happiness, thankfulness and joy that we have had in the past few years. Do I question our stability? Sure. But it just means that I need to be appreciative of the time we have, and not take our relationship for granted.

    This is year three for me since the affair. I am happy…it can be done.

    Liked by 2 people

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