I see the Counselor today and it can’t come soon enough.
The last few days have been filled with disturbing thoughts. I know there are flashbacks and a path in your mind of recreating what you think happened between your spouse and the other woman in between the ugly details of what you were told.
But there is another game playing in my head through the grief, which is, recreating memories that don’t include me at all. Like those evenings when we would sit with his guitar and sing Christmas Carols, record them, and send the CD’s to family to listen to throughout the holiday season. This memory doesn’t include me anymore. I put the other woman there in the chair beside him singing and smiling and laughing. It seems so twisted but it’s perhaps a way of subconsciously taking myself out of this story.
Maybe if I rewrite the memories, then it won’t hurt as bad. Not if I wasn’t there.
It’s strange how grief can take you to all the corners of your mind. Into darkness and eventually out of darkness. But in the midst, before any healing is even on the horizon, it’s dark and dangerous and ugly.