He is back from Rehab. It is somewhat uncomfortable, but not unsafe.
My daughter is happy and that is a ray of light in this awfully painful story.
What consumes me lately is the affair story. So I wrote it down. I wrote everything I heard him say and some of what I imagined. The feelings for her, the sex, the conversations that he will always cherish (he told her), the overnights with her, the alcohol, the disrespect of me and my daughter, the disregard of his wife over and over and over again for seven months.
I talked to him about it last night. Rehab had seemed to explain to him the egregious behaviour and instilled shame in the sober self, along with tools and ways to cope in a healthy manner. And the affair story had changed. Suddenly there were no feelings for this woman, no cherishing, only regret. Not really sadness. A certain understanding of what the actions had caused but no real understanding of what the acts have done to me and no real desire that I can see or feel to know my pain. He is wholly keeping safe in his sobriety and healing. I don’t think there is room for me in that at this point.
I assume all men retell the story, either to appease their wives or because they see it differently after counseling. It’s a horrible choice to have to make as a wife, which story do you believe?
Of course, it is only day one reunited.
My question is whether the affair story should change? Years from now, whether we are together or not and the flashback kicks me in the stomach, which version should I recall? And should I keep it written down to read over, so that time and imagination and self-doubt do not make the story better or worse?