Couples Counseling Day 1

The saying goes, ‘Don’t just love with a whole heart, but love with a heart that is whole.’

It was very clear to me today just how much that phrase matters.

Very few of us have a heart that is whole. According to statistics, 70% of us wear band-aids on our hearts instead of exposing our life traumas, healing the past, and ending the unhealthy patterns in our relationships.

There are those big traumas and the small ones too.

Like the day your mother told you she didn’t want any other children and you were an accident, which subconsciously told your little mind that you weren’t worthy to be here. So you spent your life being sweet and supportive and tried not to be noticed too much.

Or that day when you were six and a half and your father left and never came back. Which told your little mind that you weren’t good enough for him to stay. Worthless. And now your 30 and your husband is about to leave too because he can’t take the fact that you seem obsessed with checking up on him all the time.

Or the day your teacher told you not to apply to that big university because your chances of getting in would be slim. Which must have meant that you weren’t smart enough. And so you didn’t even try. In fact, you didn’t apply anywhere.

Words hurt.

Actions hurt.

Silence hurts.

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Bullshit.

Today in counseling we had to locate some of the band-aids and talk about them.

Now I understand why I read about couples who go through years of counseling. It’s a journey. A big undertaking and I imagine it’s fraught with tears and pain. And probably some healing. And a reason for the Counselor to say, ‘Ohhhhh, that’s why you acted like a big fat jerk.’

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