Some anger started creeping up this week. It was over the discussion on fulfilling each other’s needs going forward. I started to get defensive in the session with the couple’s counselor. At one point, she asked me if I could speak without a tone.
That was super frustrating.
Then she looked at me and asked, ‘What lie are you believing?’ I didn’t know the answer, neither did she. But I knew she was right, something was stirring in my subconscious and it wasn’t good.
I went for a long walk one day to do some thinking. I asked myself what the feeling was and why the anger was surfacing again. And I couldn’t just pin it to grief. That would be a good reason but I had to dig deeper than that. What I kept coming back to in my thoughts was the fact that I kept filtering all the information that I have been receiving about infidelity, acceptance, forgiveness through a filter again. The filter being – I am not enough and he is just an asshole.
So hearing things again like:
- It’s not about you, he could have made a more responsible decision to talk to you about what was going on with him instead of seeking another woman. (was rephrased in my head as) It’s not about you, so why are you feeling these emotions? Stop taking it personally. You aren’t getting it, something’s wrong with you.
- Reading off our needs list (was reframed in my head as) Well, if you had been fulfilling his needs before, he would not have been unfaithful, instead of, lets create an environment where we recognize that we have different needs and we each must pay attention to the others so that we can create a loving and open relationship.
Our minds are vicious. They keep telling us that we get what we deserve. Karma. What you give out comes back to you. Bullshit.
Sometimes, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, sometimes there is no crime, sometimes the people you love and trust will act in their own interests, sometimes they will betray you. Sometimes you could have done nothing to stop that. Sometimes you are just treated unfairly. Sometimes it’s not your fault. Sometimes you are a victim of a situation and you had no control over it.
Anger is justified after betrayal. But I understand that once you decide to try reconciliation that you have to leave the shame and remorse to them. The feeling that you need to keep holding that against them keeps you angry because it will never feel like there is enough shame on their end. No, it is their burden to work on those feelings. You don’t have to do that for them, you don’t have to take responsibility for that.
It is your choice whether you decide to stay and work on forgiveness or leave your husband. If your husband has remorse, the decision is in your hands. We must stop giving them the power. We are equal, I’m not superior because I wouldn’t have been a coward and chose to betray you. I begin to understand that you are human and sometimes you make awful decisions. But that is your burden to carry, not mine.