The voice in my head is powerful. Here are some of the things it says to me:
- You are a doormat.
- You are a coward for not leaving.
- Even though you’ve never once thought that other women who have stayed after infidelity are doormats or cowards, you are different. You are a doormat and a coward.
- He’s not really sorry. Why would he be? The other woman is much more beautiful and fun than you.
- You’ll never quite measure up to what a desirable wife would be, you know, one of those wives whose husbands would never cheat on them.
- Stop trying to believe that you are worthy of love. You aren’t. Period.
- If you discover your inner confidence and strength, then others might figure out that you were never really good enough in the first place. So for God sakes, keep quiet.
What my husband is telling me:
- I love you and never want to let you go.
- I am sorry.
- You are a strong woman.
- You are all I want.
What my friends and family say:
- You are beautiful.
- You are the kindest woman I know.
- I love spending time with you. I wish I could see you more.
- Your friendship means the world to me.
No one in my life says mean things to me, except myself.
So why do I allow that? It makes me panic. It paralyzes me. It holds me back. It hurts.
My own worst enemy is me. When did that become okay? When did the voice in my head hold more weight than the words and actions of my family and friends combined? These people that I love and admire and envy for their own courage and strength and fortitude.
It’s mind boggling.
ThatAffair 
I’m so sorry. Try not to compare this woman, she’s just a woman any longer and selfish you, on the contrary, is a sweet and beautiful person inside and out. I had already talked about this in another blog and I will repeat to you he never loved this other woman, love is a pure and holy feeling given by God and the Holy Spirit of God does not dwell in filth and sin. I read all his blog, but I do not remember you mention being a Christian woman, but anyway I recommend that you read in the Bible about the prophet Hosea he was also betrayed by the person he loved, but he decided to forgive her.
I know you want to forgive your husband, but do not let him treat you like a nothing, he must treat her like a princess and daughter of God who you really are.
Read 1 Corinthians 13
Watch the movie Fireproof
Sorry an error in the text, English is not my first language.
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Sorry I meant that it is any woman without respect and esteem.
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The movie Fireproof was awesome. I watched it early on right before dday. Subconsciously i must’ve known something was very off in my marriage. It helped me tremendously when my world crumbled and it helped me understand to treat my husband lovingly even though at the time he was treating me horribly. I definitely recommend watching it as well!
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I loved this movie
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Thank you for this. I am a Christian. I struggle with giving my sorrows and fears to God and then taking them back from him again. I will read the bible passages you mentioned and will find that movie.
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I’m the same. I stayed and everyday I beat myself up for staying. My friends and colleagues say I’m great. But my head continually tells me I’m not and that I need to fix myself. I think the best thing is to just stop judging yourself and focus on what you need, things that make you feel great. Always make yourself the priority. Treat yourself with whatever you need. And everything in life that doesn’t serve you will melt away. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing to fix or decipher or compare yourself to. You are you. And you are the only person in the world who can be you. You don’t need to put any other labels on it. Just be you. Own you. 🙂
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Thank you. Your message made me cry, in a good way. I’m going to keep reading your message and process it.
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Thats great. My therapist actually said it to me.
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All those voices in your head? They are your backstories. In an odd way, your backstory works overtime to try to protect you…it tells you these things so you won’t be hurt if/when they happen again.
But…they are LIES.
And they keep you from living in the present, which is where the real stories exist.
You must look the stories in the eye (based on what you wrote the voices are telling you, it seems that you believe about yourself – I am a failure. I am not good enough. I am not lovable. I am not worthy.)
You must start looking at these things, embracing them and reshaping the message in your brain.
You are not a failure – the evidence of that is: (look at the successes in your life. That very day. Did you get out of bed? Did you get dressed? Did you have rational conversations with other humans? Did you pay bills or go to work or drive kids to school or get groceries? SUCCESSES!!!)
You are good enough – the evidence of that is: (look at the things you have done and continue to do: did you graduate from elementary school? Did you graduate from high school, or get your GED? Did you get a job? Did you iron some clothes? Did you birth a baby? Did Jesus die on the cross for you? GOOD ENOUGH!!!!)
Ultimately, the real antidote to those voices, those stories, is to embrace the pain of what made you believe those things, get rid of the lies, and cling to the love of the One who proved to you by giving His very life that you are LOVABLE, WORTHY, IMPORTANT, GOOD ENOUGH….
This is really really important, because as long as those voices are present and loud, you respond to present situations from the place of those voices. When you get rid of them…you will find FREEDOM. Freedom to live in the present, in love, in forgiveness, in peace.
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This sounds so much like what my Therapist is talking about. Reversing the lies. We will be really digging in to it in the next sessions and it gives me something to look forward to in this work. Thank you for this. It gives me things to consider when thinking about why I am not a failure or unworthy, etc. I want that freedom to live in the present.
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